The Better Part...

A particular scripture passage has been on my heart lately. Tonight I went to an event sponsored by a local GSA which prompted me to actually start writing.

Perhaps a brief look at the scripture itself is worthwhile. Let's journey back to Mary and Martha's home when Jesus of Nazareth visited. I'm in Luke 10, you should go there, too. I'll make it easy.

Ponder on that passage for a moment--Martha was about her business. And it was a very important business, too. Semitic tradition required ultimate hospitality (there are all sorts of beautiful stories about Abraham one can find which illustrate this point) and Martha was fulfilling that duty. Jesus, as I see it, very lovingly acknowledged her and, also very lovingly, showed her that, at this one specific moment, there was a different good to choose. That second good was the part which "would not be taken away."

Life is full of "good parts" which present us with choices. Maybe your experiences have been different, but mine have shown that those "good parts" are never "perfect parts" or "perfectly-clear parts." In fact, my experience has been that I'm often faced with choosing between two things that are messy (oh, how I love that word!). My job is to determine which part is the "good" or, perhaps, "better" one. Circumstance often influences the outcome of that choice.

What are those parts that will not be taken away? I believe they all come down to one principle--Charity. Charity is the "pure love of Christ." I see that as a three-fold love: the love we receive from Christ, the love we have for Christ, and the love we express that is like that of Christ. I believe my life's purpose is to carve and stretch  my heart to be a large and ready receptacle for such love. This requires conscious actions on my part. 

I also firmly believe that I am here to experientially learn what that good (or, better) part is. This means I will be faced with some tough, tough choices which will do more than test my obedience; they will allow me to determine what I stand for. There's a difference. We can talk nuances sometime if you're interested...

One of those nuances can be found in Mormons' view of the Judeo-Christian creation myth. We maintain that Eve made a conscious choice and that Adam, when faced with keeping all God's commandments, realized such was impossible--at least in the context within which he found himself. In order to follow the command to "multiply and replenish the earth," Adam had to choose to partake of the forbidden fruit. Who forbade such an act? The very God who issued the command for man and woman to cleave to one another. Adam and Eve determined for themselves which was the "good part." The Book of Mormon affirms "Adam fell that men might be, and men are that they might have joy." Messiness was introduced in the opening act.

All of us have been or will be presented with such heart-wrenching, faith-shaking choices in our lives. For some, it is the choice between acceptance of a loved one and strict adherence to deeply-held religious beliefs. For others, it is the choice between acceptance of self and full participation in their larger community. In all of these choices, sacrifice is an integral part. We have the privilege and challenge of determining which sacrifices to make. We get to choose the "good part" which will not be taken away. 

We get to work with God in forming our souls for eternity...

Power Plays...

"Rape is a criminal act whatever the circumstance.  A woman riding the subway nude may be guilty of indecency, but she may not be raped.  If she invites or even sells sex at 10:00 and refuses it at 10:45, the partner who disregards her refusal and forces sex is guilty of rape." ~ Toni Morrison

Jane Doe of Steubenville has been on my mind today.  I ran into her via a blog I read on a weekly basis and so I decided to do a little digging to understand the situation a little more.  I was confronted with an unarticulated discomfort with our rape culture. I am taking this opportunity to give form and space to that discomfort.


Rape is not about sex.  It is about power.  Rapists are those who use a variety of means to take power from others.  Sex is the means to an end, not an end in and of itself.

Conditions in our society breed rape culture. Survivors of rape are often blamed (especially women) because of clothing, flirting, alcohol--the list goes on.  We tacitly and, sometimes, even vocally place the burden of guilt on the wrong entity.  Rape is the fault of the rapist.  Period.


Women and men are socialized to view the female body as worthy of exploitation, degradation, and even enslavement.  Religious teachings, at times, contribute to this problem.  Do not misunderstand me.  I am a religious person.  I do not blame religion for failings in human nature.  But I do believe the culture that sneaks into doctrinal teachings perpetuate the second-class status of women--especially in matters of sexuality.  In the profane media, women are objectified.  In the sacred halls of worship, women are charged as the sole protectors and mediators of virtue.  It is up to the woman to dress modestly so as not to arouse the men around her.  It's up to the woman to keep her head and call the shots on how far expressions of physical affection go.  Both these statements were made to adolescent me by men AND women in church settings.  Both these statements downplay the power men have over themselves.  Men can have self-control, you know.  By placing the onus solely on the shoulders of the female, we discount and even dishonor half the population of the world.  Men are no more slaves to their sex drives than women are. Sex is a powerful driving force in human behavior.  That's a given.  Human reason and empathy can be even more powerful when fostered and nurtured.

Let me illustrate...

I work in a very conservative environment.  We, collectively, hold ourselves to the pursuit of truth, beauty, and goodness (those exact words are found on the crest of every school in the network).  One day, not too long ago, a woman came to a faculty meeting to give updated information about some event or other (I don't remember nor care).  She was beautiful and had a beautiful female form.  Her female qualities were prominently on display.  Yes, many of us judged her (I fully admit to it myself--I am an enabler of toxicity, too). One thing I found interesting, however, is that the men in the room avoided looking at her.  I find that, in many ways, refreshing.  They probably wanted to look (heck, I did, but out of self-righteousness more than attraction), but instead they looked at their wedding rings.  No one would blame them for being attracted to well-formed female-ness.  They, however, found a way to keep their systems in check.  My point is, I don't care HOW a woman is dressed, a real man will find the decency to NOT take advantage.  We CANNOT use immodesty as an excuse for assault or dehumaninzation.  That doesn't do justice to women OR to men.  It reduces men to victims of their sexuality rather than able masters of it.

I've had brushes with this destructive need to usurp power in my own dating life.  I am ever so grateful that I have never been physically assaulted.  However, I'm beginning to see that my experiences, though different, are most certainly related.  Psychological manipulation is damaging, too.  Isn't that really the most traumatic part of rape?  Again, though rape is the lust for power expressed through sex acts, it is not fundamentally about sex.

I don't have the emotional energy or time to give a lot of details of my own painful experiences (again, they are not of a physical nature).  Perhaps in a future post?  I will say, however, one of the most hurtful things was, when confiding my pain to a girlfriend, I was told that it was probably just something "about the relationship itself."  The man who manipulated my feelings and thoughts was given a way out.  I wasn't.  The man who pushed boundaries as far as he "technically" could and then shamed me for coming along with him got away without a guilty conscience.  I didn't.  The man who knew my vulnerability (because I wanted so much to trust him, so I shared it with him) and pressed his advantage was able to walk away with a shrug and a callous "I told you I never wanted anything serious."  Knowing a person wants something, telling her she can't have it, but holding it in front of her anyway, is manipulation.  It's wrong.  A decent human being does not do things like that.  Decent human beings seek the comfort and well-being of the other and stop when something is hurtful.  Yes, it is the unhealthy human being who responds to bait given, but that doesn't make it ok.  In fact, it makes it even more heinous.  Yes, I was unhealthy (and am still working on it), but heck, I got myself into therapy!  My weakness does not brand me as deserving of abuse.  We, unwittingly sometimes, perpetuate this view...

Let me get back to my comment about how teachings in religious settings can perpetuate hurtful views of womanhood.  I distinctly remember one lesson from the last few chapters of the Book of Mormon.  As high school students sitting in a release time religious study class, we read the grisly details of the fall of Nephite society.  Husbands and fathers were slaughtered on the battlefield.  Women and children were slaughtered in the villages.  The teacher tearfully and emphatically testified that the most heinous part of the attack on the women was not that their bodies were tortured and killed or even posthumously eaten, but that they were deprived of their virtue.  He then continued by telling us young ladies that our virtue is the most important thing about us and that we should guard it with our lives.  The undertones of his preaching fixed in the minds of us young women that if it came to being a victim of rape, we should allow ourselves to be killed first.  Death was more honorable.  Being a victim meant that we didn't fight hard enough.  That is insidious.  Such views tell me that my "virtue" (used in this sense as meaning my sexual purity) is my defining characteristic.  Where do I go from there?  What if (and it's possible) there was a young sister who WAS the victim of rape sitting in that classroom that day?  What was SHE thinking?  What was SHE feeling?  Suddenly, not only did she have the trauma and guilt about the treacherous act on her conscience, but the collective shame of all womanhood on her.  Her worth was gone.  Her "virtue" was her sexual purity and she did not do enough to defend it.  She was defiled.  She would be better off dead.  Somehow, I don't think God's view of my worth is contingent on my virginity.  Nor is His love for me.

Perhaps we can reflect a little more about the way our views about rape and power have been formed and how they are manifesting.

And, who they are really protecting...

Modern Caste...

It wasn't a surprise, actually.  

But, I still died a little.

I'll probably be fine.

I hope it's not a reflection of me.

But, when will I be REALLY seen?

That's what hurts the most--

--it's not an isolated event.

I just don't have a place.

Yet...

...ever?