Tuesday, April 24, 2012

My REAL Letter of Resignation...

You know what it is?  

I'm tired of being made to feel like a criminal.  What do all these labels and letter grades that we are being given as schools and educators mean?  If taken at face value, they mean that I'm a sub-standard teacher who is royally screwing up a generation of kids.

I'm tired of it.

I am not screwing up my children!  They need SO MUCH!  And yes, I understand that I am not fully equipped to give them all they need.  Yes, I understand that there is room to improve.  But what you need to understand is that I'm WILLING TO LEARN!  I'm open to support.  I'm begging for support.  And not the kind where you come into my classroom, wander around with your damn clipboards and write down my posted objectives.  What the HELL is that helping?  WHO is that helping?  Certainly not me.  And forget about the kids.

Help me feel like a professional.  Honor my judgment and education.  Honor my ability to learn and my desire to succeed.  Honor the progress I've made.  And for crying out loud, honor the challenges I face.

My children are in a safe classroom environment, except for the days that you come in to evaluate.  I am driven to distraction by the scratching of your nit-picking pencils furiously scribbling down every little component of the ridiculous reading program that I did not address.  On those days, I am not connected with the little individuals who wait at my feet to be given direction and boundaries.  Yes, boundaries.  I spend a large majority of my day helping these little people learn how navigate the difficulties of being a human person existing in a small space with other human persons.

You need to understand that we have an entire history of civilization between the walls of my classroom and one day of guerilla-tactic observations is not going to give you an accurate picture of the needs, personalities, strengths, and challenges of my community.  It will not give you even a partial picture of what I can do or what I need help with.

You can't sit in a meeting with me, tell me it is an objective means to determine the school needs, and then end with the smug comment, "You have confirmed many of my assumptions."  What?  You came with assumptions!?  Of COURSE we'll confirm them!  They are what you came to see.  Damn you and your assumptions.  And your pencils.  And your clipboards.

Please understand that I am fully aware of my weaknesses as an educator.  I am not naive, as you insinuated with your comment (insinuated nothing!  You said it straight out).  Please understand that I am not incapable or stupid, either.  Give me room to grow.  Give me the opportunity to stretch my wings and sharpen my skills.  Give me the human right to fail and pick myself up again.  

I am not a liability to my students.  

Today, you made me question that.  Your words and "assumptions" made me feel like I am the worst thing to happen to this group of kids.  Perhaps I'm not the problem.  You say the bottom line is that we have to do what is "best for the kids."  Do you even know what that is?  Is what's "best for the kids" accolades for you and the good ol' boys at the top?  Is it "best for the kids" to save face in a system that is set up to make these kids fail?  I think you lost sight of what's "best for the kids" awhile ago, dear sirs.

Perhaps you are the liability to my students.

Damn you.

Sunday, April 1, 2012

More Stuff I've Learned...

#2  People are MESSY...


...and I am not just referring to housekeeping habits.


I decided to do some reading in the Bible recently.  For some reason, I've been drawn to David.  The idea of such a favored man who had such a messy personal life is incredibly intriguing (and comforting) to me.


David, as it turns out, always had a weakness for women.  LONG before he became the creepy neighbor watching Bathsheba on the rooftop.  He had several wives before seducing her.  He even lost his first wife (a daughter of Saul) to another man (Saul gave her to someone else when all the trouble with David was festering) and eventually stole her back.  He collected women like, well, chattel.  My feminist sensibilities are extremely offended by this. Perhaps there's more to the story?  Or perhaps not.  More likely than not, David was a man who had passions and weakness just like EVERYBODY ELSE.  He was messy.  


God knew David's messiness long before David knew of it.  But he still favored him.  God saw something else in this soul.  As I've moved through the recorded narrative of his life, I've been struck by more than David's propensity to collect females; this man was possessed of a tender, tender heart. 


Let's begin with his relationship with Jonathan.  The Old Testament leaves no uncertainty when it comes to the strength of their bond of friendship.  Their souls were knit together, I think is the phrase used.  After David learned of the demise of Saul and his sons (Jonathan included), he sought out Jonathan's son (who had two lame feet) and bestowed honor on him.  For no other reason than he loved the family.  That's it.


David had ample opportunity to slay Saul.  And ample reason to.  Saul became CONSUMED with jealousy as David matured and showed his prowess as a military and political leader.  So, Saul repeatedly sought David's life.  And was repeatedly left at David's mercy.  And was repeatedly spared.  David refused to lift his hand against "the Lord's anointed." David's tender heart and mercy trumped his need for self-protection and revenge.  David heard of Saul's death (which seems to actually have been a suicide in the midst of a lost battle) from a stranger who claimed to be the one who killed Saul (I wonder if he thought he'd receive some sort of honor).  David ordered the man's death.


One of Saul's sons became an adversary to David during all the tumult for the kingdom (he had an awesome name--Ish-bosheth).  Ish-bosheth was crowned king of Israel and Judah seceded from the union by crowning David king.  After Ish-bosheth was killed (by his own men who were hoping to gain praise from David), David executed those who were responsible for Ish-bosheth's death (say that three times fast) for killing a righteous man.  


And then there's Absalom, David's son.  What a truly messy story this one is.  In the end, however, Absalom stole the hearts of Israel from David and tried to unseat him as king.  Absalom was killed.  And David wept over the loss of his son.  I think any father would, however, I am struck that it is recorded in this convoluted narrative.  David had a tender heart.  We are left without question on this point.


So, how do we remember him?  Often we refer to him as a fallen man.  Yes, he messed up.  I do not pretend to know the extent of his punishment, nor do I really care to know.  That's between David and God (and Uriah).  Yes, I understand that there is modern revelation about his state.  Again, I do not really care.  I think God has that under control.  


I prefer to look at David more complexly.  He was messy.  Just like me.  He had some pretty amazing core qualities that cannot be denied (one of them being a tender heart).  He is revered as a fabulously effective military leader and king in Israel.  And, let's not forget, his lineage produced the mortal Messiah.  But David was flawed.  Pretty deeply it seems.  He was also a product of his environment.  Life and humanity are more complex than we sometimes know how to deal with.  People don't fit into neat categories of black and white.  It's scary and uncertain to view humans more complexly.  But oh so liberating!


So, that's what I've learned.  People are messy.  ALL people are messy.  And you know what?  God doesn't love us in SPITE of that messiness.  He doesn't pick through our personalities and love only that which is lovable.  Nope.  He sees us as whole packages.  Bumps, bruises, rotten spots and all.


Isn't there much comfort to be found in that view of God?  And of our fellow men?


I think so...